Sunday, October 12, 2014

Motorcycle and Little Girl

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, 
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"

Sunday, September 21, 2014

The Tiny Pianist

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
 

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!


"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.


The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish. Each person is only allowed one!"


The bartender gets real excited.
Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
 

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says,
"Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!" says the man,
"Do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Blond

A Young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in town.    With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts  shouting,    "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you  think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way?   What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with    her  worth as a human being?  It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind  continue    to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The  embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde  yells:   "You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your  lap."

Sunday, September 07, 2014

Phone Call

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
 
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.

When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.

When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
 
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country's gone to hell, so it's a local call."
 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Wine before bed

Treat yourself to a healthy imported wine

A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE TURNING IN 

A single glass  at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's  sleep. 

NEW  Wine for Seniors ,    I kid you not.....



Clare Valley  vintners in  South Australia,
Which primarily produce 
Pinot  Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines, 
Have  developed a new hybrid grape 
That  acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number  of trips 
Older  people have to make to the
Bathroom during the night.

The new  wine will be
Marketed as

     

PINO  MORE

I  HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!! 
I  just could not help it!