Sunday, August 28, 2011

Viagra

A man went to the doctor’s office to ask for a double dose of Vi@gr@.
The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.
“Why not?’ asked the man.
“Because it’s not safe,’ replied the doctor..
“But I need it really bad,’ said the man.
“Well, why do you need it so badly?’ asked the doctor.

The man said,
“My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;
My ex-wife will be here on Saturday;
and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
Can’t you see?
I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying,
“Okay, I’ll give it to you,but you have to come in Monday morning
so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”
On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”

The man said,
“No one showed up.”

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Why Parents Drink!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. ’ Hello ? ’  ‘Is your daddy home?’  ’ Yes, he’s out in the garden ,’ whispered the small voice.  ‘May I talk with him?’ The child whispered, ’ No .’  ; So the boss asked, ‘Well, is your Mommy there?’ ’ Yes, she’s out in the garden too ‘& The boss asked; ‘May I talk with her?’ Again the small voice whispered, ’ No .’  Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’  ’ Yes ,’ whispered the child, ’ a policeman.. ’  Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘May I speak with the policeman?‘No, he’s busy ’ , ’ whispered the child.  ‘Busy doing what?’  ’ Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ’ Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’  ’ It’s a helicopter ’ answered the whispering voice.  ‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. ’ The search team just landed a helicopter ’  ‘A   search team?’ said the boss. ‘What are they searching for?’  Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle….  ’ ME ‘

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Willie Nelson at Age 75

“I have outlived my pecker.”

The Penis Poem—by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the f***in’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

Sunday, August 07, 2011

A Rate Occurrence

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and
      there was a young bloke standing there who said:

      “I’m a Jehovah’s Witness”.

      I said “Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about”?

      He said, ” F****d if I know. I’ve never got this far before”

Sunday, July 31, 2011

WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 10, 20,  30 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy,  clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly”  policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes,  I know boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.  It’s odd though your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the U.S.  Navy.  What did they say if you came in late there?”

“They said,

“Good morning, Admiral, can I get you a cup of coffee,  sir?”