Sunday, January 08, 2023

Santa’s Calf Skin Jacket

Have you heard about the time Santa Claus had his new calfskin jacket stolen?

I’m going to tell you in advance that this is a really terrible joke, a real groaner, but you are going to want to read it anyway aren’t you? Hopefully it’s so bad you will get a laugh out of it and feel the need to share this page with your friends as well.

Ok, so one night this guy broke into Santa’s home at the North Pole, went into Santa’s bedroom, and started to rummage through his wardrobe while Santa lay there in bed fast asleep.

He saw this cool-looking calfskin jacket hanging there and took it out of the wardrobe, and as he did so, Santa Claus, hearing the rattling of coat hangers, started to wake up.

Santa saw the man in his room and shouted out, upon which the robber grabbed the jacket and ran off with it, going straight out of the bedroom and into the corridor leading to the toy workshop, where he bumped into one of Santa’s helpers, knocking him flying.

The man continued to run along the corridor and then stumbled through one of the emergency exits and out into the snow where he kept on running.

Santa’s helper, realizing what had happened and knowing that this was his most precious jacket, picked himself up off the floor and started chasing after the robber as fast as he could run.

I guess you could say he ran like Elf for leather…

A terrible joke, isn’t it? But it’s a Laughline original.

Originally published as Santa’s Calf Skin Jacket on The Laughline

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Sunday, January 01, 2023

Johnny Passed His Driving Test

Johnny passed his driving test and just got his driver’s license.

The family decided that it would be a great idea if Johnny took them all for a ride in the family car, so they all went out and watched as Johnny climbed into the driver’s seat with a huge grin on his face.

His father, meanwhile, opened a rear door and climbed in to sit behind Johnny, while his Mother climbed in beside him and his younger sister climbed into the back.

Johnny turned around and said to his father, “I guess you are sitting in the back to get a change of scenery after those months of teaching me how to drive?”

“Not exactly,” his father replied. “I’m just going to sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me ever since you were a baby”.

Now that’s what I call payback, nice one Dad!

Originally published as Johnny Passed His Driving Test on The Laughline

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Sunday, December 25, 2022

Mrs O’Halloran

Irish Policeman: “Did you get the license number of the motor car that ran you over, Mrs. O’Halloran?”

Mrs. O’Halloran; “No, officer, but I know who it was, it was my son-in-law!”

Irish Policeman: “How can you be so certain Mrs. O’Halloran?”

Mrs. O’Halloran: “Well, officer, put it this way, I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!”

Originally published as Mrs O’Halloran on The Laughline

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Sunday, December 18, 2022

A Man Died And Went To Heaven

A man died and went to Heaven.

Yes I know, it’s another one of those jokes, but such is life. People keep thinking them up, the same way as they keep starting fairy tales with “Once upon a time”. You just have to deal with it I’m afraid.

So where were we? Oh yes… So this man died and went to Heaven, where he met good old St. Peter, who was sitting at a rather elegant antique desk in the middle of a great hall, the size of which resembled something like a cathedral.

The new arrival was impressed with St. Peter’s office, and he noticed that the walls around this great hall were adorned with millions of clocks, all busily ticking away.

“What are those used for?” he asked St. Peter, pointing to the clocks.

St. Peter replied, “There is a clock up there on the wall for every living person on Earth; they are all ticking out the days of their lives.”

The new arrival was astonished to hear this and kept looking at the clocks, which went from one end of each wall to the other and from the floor to the ceiling. It was a most impressive sight.

He also noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others, which stirred his curiosity.

“Why do the clocks move at different speeds,” he asked St. Peter.

St. Peter replied, “Well, every time someone on Earth tells a lie, they lose one hour of their life, and their clock speeds up.”

“I see,” the man said, “Now it makes sense.”

The new arrival looked around some more, still taking in the wondrous sight, and then asked, “Do you have one of these for Donald Trump?”

St. Peter replied, “Of course we do; we have one for every person on Earth. I keep it in the back room and use it for a ceiling fan”.

Originally published as A Man Died And Went To Heaven on The Laughline

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Sunday, December 11, 2022

Horrific Car Accident

An elderly couple who had been married for more than sixty years died from a horrific car crash.

Their passing was really tragic, since despite their advanced years, they were both still on good health, thanks to spending the last ten years eating only healthy food and having plenty of exercise.

But fate being what it is, no matter what your intentions or how well you plan your life, it often intervenes, and as with this elderly couple, their lives were cut short.

Being good people, naturally, they made their way up to Heaven, where they were met by St. Peter, who welcomed them in and personally directed them to the mansion which was to become their home for eternity.

Compared to the meager retirement apartment they had been living in for the last ten years, the mansion was like a palace. It had an amazing kitchen and the most comfortable living room you can imagine, with twin recliners, a well-stocked bar, and more. The bedroom had a full king-sized bed and an en-suite bathroom, and on the deck outside was a wonderful hot tub.

As they gasped with surprise at their good fortune, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost them.

“It’s all free,” St. Peter told them. “You are in Heaven now.”

St. Peter then led them out the back of the mansion to show them the championship golf course that the home backed onto. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the greatest golf courses back on earth.

The old man asked St. Peter, “What are the green fees?”

St. Peter replied, “This is Heaven, you can play golf any time you want for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse, and the old man’s jaw dropped when he saw the lavish buffet lunch, which had all the cuisines of the world laid out ready to eat.

“How much does it cost to eat here?” he asked St. Peter.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven. It’s free! Everything is free!” St. Peter replied, exasperated at having to keep telling them.

“Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter replied with a laugh, “That’s the best part… you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat and you will never get sick. This is Heaven”.

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger. He threw down his hat and began stomping on it and screaming at the top of his voice. He was furious.

St. Peter and his wife tried to calm the old man down, asking him what the problem was.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “Don’t you get it, you stupid old woman? This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damned awful bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Originally published as Horrific Car Accident on The Laughline

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