Sunday, November 27, 2022

As I Lay On My Bed

As I lay on my bed, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I felt this strong urge to grab and squeeze you because I couldn’t forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the hot, humid still of the night and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere, and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body.

You started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Finally, I went to sleep, and today when I woke up, you were gone.

I searched for you but, to no avail. Only the sheets bore witness to the events of last night.

My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.

As soon as you appear, I will quickly grab you, and I won’t let you go.

I will hold you with all my strength, so this time you won’t disappear.

I won’t rest until I squeeze your blood out. You damned irritating friggin’ mosquito!

Originally published as As I Lay On My Bed on The Laughline

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Sunday, November 20, 2022

Little League Baseball

A Little League baseball team was playing on Saturday, and after a while, the coach had enough and called one of his baseball players aside, a young boy aged nine, and asked him, “Do you understand what cooperation is?”

The young boy nodded and said, “Yes, coach.”

The baseball team coach asked him, “Do you understand what a team is?”

The little boy nodded to indicate that he did.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” the coach asked the young boy.

The little boy nodded and answered, “Yes, coach.”

“So Tommy,” the coach continued, “I am sure that you know very well when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?”

Again the young boy nodded to the coach.

The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your team coach a dumb ass, is it, boy?”

Again the little boy nodded, his head hung down in shame.

“Good,” the coach said, “I’m pleased we understand each other.”

“Now,” the coach added, “Go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!”

Originally published as Little League Baseball on The Laughline

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Sunday, November 13, 2022

A Man Went To See His Doctor

A man went to see his doctor and told him that he wasn’t able to do all the things that he used to do around the house.

The doctor gave the man a physical examination, and when the examination was over, the man said to the doctor, “I’d like you to tell me what’s wrong with me, but I want it in plain English”.

“Well”, the doctor replied, “in plain English, all that’s wrong with you is that you are nothing other than a lazy old fart!”

“Thank you, doctor,” the man said. “Now, please, can you give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!”

Many of us men think like that when we reach a certain age. Hands up if that includes you.

Originally published as A Man Went To See His Doctor on The Laughline

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Sunday, November 06, 2022

Forest Fires

Forest fires are spectacular to watch, but sadly are so destructive and hard to stop, especially when the weather is hot and dry.

A while ago in California, when huge forest fires were raging out of control up in the mountains, a photographer wanted to get photos of the fires for the national magazine he worked for.

Unfortunately, it was impossible to get anywhere close to the fires as the smoke was too thick, so in desperation, he called his office to try and charter a plane to take him up and fly over the fires.

His editor assured him the plane would be ready for him when he arrived at the airport, so the photographer got ready and made his way there.

When he arrived at the small rural airport, sure enough, there was a plane warming up near the runway.

The photographer parked his car, got out, and jumped into the plane with his equipment.

Wanting to get busy taking pictures as soon as possible, he called out to the pilot and said, “Let’s go!”

The pilot taxied along to the runway, opened up the throttle, and soon they were up in the air.

“Just fly over the north side of the fire,” the photographer said, “and make three or four low-level passes”.

“Why do you want me to do that?” the pilot asked.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!” came the reply. “I’m a photographer, and that’s what photographers do; they take pictures!”.

After a few minutes of silence, the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

Well, I hope the photographer got his pictures, but I suspect the pilot might have headed back to the airfield in a panic!

I used to fly quite a lot for work, and a friend always said before a trip that if I crashed, take plenty of photos as I spiral down and leave the camera to him in my will.

Originally published as Forest Fires on The Laughline

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Edited for Grammer