Sunday, July 13, 2014

NORWEGIAN VIRGIN

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in Northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... Right in his crotch.

Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay.”

The doctor told him, “Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.”

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth ....

That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. 

She said: “Olof.. You're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.” 

Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: “Look at dis Lena .....still in DA CRATE!”

Sunday, July 06, 2014

Sister Barbara

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. 

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.


"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied.

"Don't Despair" paid 80-to-1."

 

Sunday, April 20, 2014

The Resurrection

It was Sunday morning, and the priest had already preached to the adults in the congregation.

Now he was presenting a children's sermon. He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

Sunday, April 06, 2014

The Hookers’ Union

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. 

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" 

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." 

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" 

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. 

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." 

The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" 

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." 

"That's more like it!" the union man said. 

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.

"I'd like her," he said. 

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Obamacare works!!!

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says, "99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, “Very good”.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis

to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins,

"One...

two…

three…"

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.You grow old because you stop laughing!