Sunday, October 16, 2022

A Recent Survey Of Married Women

In a recent survey of women who had been married for ten years or more, eighty percent thought their bum was too fat.

A further fifteen percent of married women said their bum was too thin.

The remaining five percent said they didn’t care, they would have married him anyway!

Originally published as A Recent Survey Of Married Women on The Laughline

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Sunday, October 09, 2022

The Paramedic

The paramedic arrived at the house to find it in darkness. He had responded to the emergency call on his own as there was a power cut in the area and it was a busy night for the emergency services.

The house was very dark inside due to the power cut, so the paramedic asked Jenny, who was only three, to hold a flashlight over her pregnant Mother so he could see what he was doing while he helped to deliver the baby.

Very carefully, young Jenny did as she was asked and held the flashlight so the paramedic could see what he was doing, while her Mother pushed and pushed.

After a lot of pushing and panting, the baby was delivered successfully.

The paramedic told Jenny that she had a new little brother.

He lifted the baby by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom, making the baby cry.

The paramedic then thanked Jenny for her help and asked the three-year-old what she thought about what she had just seen.

Jenny quickly replied, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Give his bottom another smack so he doesn’t do it again!”

Originally published as The Paramedic on The Laughline

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Sunday, October 02, 2022

The Muddy Hole

Jerry was really frustrated, having got his car stuck in a muddy hole while driving down a country lane.

Luckily for him, a farmer was passing in his tractor and for $25 he towed Jerry’s car out of the mud so he could continue on his journey.

Afterward, Jerry said to the farmer, “At those prices, you could make a good living pulling people out of that muddy hole day and night”.

“I wish I could”, the farmer replied. “but at night I have to haul water to fill the hole”.

Now that’s what I call an entrepreneur.

Originally published as The Muddy Hole on The Laughline

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Sunday, September 25, 2022

Being Taught The Bible By Her Grandmother

A nine-year-old girl was being taught the Bible by her grandmother and after a while, she was becoming quite knowledgeable about what she had learned.

Her grandmother was really pleased with her granddaughter’s progress, until one day when she asked her this question:

“Which virgin was the mother of Jesus?”

Her grandmother wasn’t really sure how to answer this strange question and was thinking about how to answer when the little girl continued…

“Was it the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

Originally published as Being Taught The Bible By Her Grandmother on The Laughline

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Sunday, September 18, 2022

Bottles Of Guinness

Murphy and Paddy were driving south from Dublin to Cork and they were both laughing and telling jokes as they were driving and were also drinking bottles of Guinness Stout.

All of a sudden, Paddy saw lights flashing in his rearview mirror, it was the Garda, the Irish police signaling them to stop the car and pull over to the side of the road.

Murphy said, “Paddy, what are we going to do?”

Paddy replied, “Don’t worry Murphy me old mate. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly”.

Murphy agreed, so Paddy said, “First, we are going to peel the labels off our bottles of Guinness and we are going to stick one on each of our foreheads. Then just shove the bottles underneath your seat and let me do the talking”.

So Murphy and Paddy both quickly peeled the labels off their bottles of Guinness and then shoved the bottles under their seats.

Paddy slowed down and pulled the car over to the side of the road and stopped.

The police car pulled over behind then and stopped and the police officer got out and walked up to their car.

He looked at them kind of funny and asked to see Paddy’s driver’s license.

Then he asks Paddy, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Oh, no, sir”, Paddy replied.

“Well”, the police officer said, “I noticed you were weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven’t been drinking?”

“Oh, no, sir”, Paddy said. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight at all sir”.

“Well, I do have to ask you”, the police officer said, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”

“Oh that’s easy, officer”, Paddy replied. “You see, both Murphy here and me are alcoholics and we’re on the patch”.

Originally published as Bottles Of Guinness on The Laughline

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