Sunday, July 08, 2018

Two Ladies Talking In Heaven

1st woman:   Hi!  I'm Wanda.
        
2nd woman:   Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
 
1st woman:   I froze to death.
 
2nd woman:   How horrible!
 
1st woman:   It wasn't so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.  So, what about you?
 
 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
 
1st woman: So, what happened?
 
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
 
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive!

 

Sunday, December 03, 2017

A Nice Christmas Tradition

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
       
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?  I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.        

Not a lot of people know this.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Turning on the heat

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

Halloween Kiss

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets  into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
 
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
 
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me.  When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
 
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." 
 
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do  about that -
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" 

"OK"  the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm  Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!" 

Sunday, June 25, 2017

A pilot Father’s discipline

A pilot father's discipline (with love) . . ..

                                                                             
Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of ‘those moments.’

Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. 

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and  stop misbehaving after our flight together. 

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results. 

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Should work with grandkids too!