Sunday, May 07, 2017

Three Trees and Woodpecker

   It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.  A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

    The birch replys that he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

    The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.  Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.  It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

Now wipe that smile off your face, and pass it on.

Sunday, October 09, 2016

Outhouse

Once there was a young boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stunk all the time.   The outhouse was sitting on the bank of the river and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse in the water.  One day after a spring rain, the river was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse in, So he got a large pole and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled in and floated away.  That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the boy asked why.   The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the river today. It was you, wasn't it son?"
 
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

Sunday, July 03, 2016

Over 70

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.  

This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a  pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but, when you’re over seventy...............who cares

**********

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

**********

I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but... When you’re over seventy...............who cares?

Sunday, June 26, 2016

New Diet

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Peter Pan