Sunday, February 14, 2016

Redneck Lent

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.
     
But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
     
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
   
The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. 
     
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
     
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

Sunday, January 03, 2016

C-141

C-141     A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of  it.  The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen
solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.  As he's left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."  Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump sh*t from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

 

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Lunch at Hooters

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see

some  friends and have a burger and iced tea. After being there for

a while, one of my friends asked me which  waitress I would

like to be stuck in an elevator with. 

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators.
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot."

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Two Clever Nuns

There were two nuns, One was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL). 

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. 

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 minutes? I wonder what he wants. 
 
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us. 

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? 
  
SL: The only logical thing to do o f course is to walk faster. 
  
A little while later... 

SM: It's not working. 

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. 

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute. 
 
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. 
 
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. 
  
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. 
  
Then Sister Logical arrives. 
  
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! 
  
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. 
  
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? 
  
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. 
  
SM: And? 
  
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. 
  
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? 
  
SL : I lifted my dress up. 
  
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? 
  
SL: He pulled down his pants. 
  
SM: Oh, no! What happened then? 
 
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. 

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Monday - Sunday Smile

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”  She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”