Sunday, April 12, 2015

Beer & Colonoscopy

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy.  I went into his office for my first rectal exam.

His new blond nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.  She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.  She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting, I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

·        A Tube of K-Y jelly,

·        A rubber glove, and

·        A beer

When Dr. Putz, finally, came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.  I know what the K-Y is for.  And, I know what the glove is for.  But can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that, Doctor Putz became, noticeably, outraged and stormed over to the door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse,

"Damn it, Evelyn!!!  I said...a BUTT LIGHT!"

Sunday, March 15, 2015

50 Shades of Grey

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, Guess who?

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want.

So...Here I am!”

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Celebration

Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works. Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down. Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

Sunday, February 01, 2015

Sex after death

A couple made a deal that  whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at  all.

After a long life  together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?"

"Is that you, Frank?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it  like?"

"Well, I get up in  the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more  times..

Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another  romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the  afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at  night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over  again"

"Oh, Frank! Are you in  Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit  somewhere in Arizona."

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Female logic—first grade style

Leave it to a little kid to put a smile on Your face!! This is truly first grade logic.
 

Little Susie goes home from school and tells Her mom that the boys keep asking her to do Cartwheels because she's very good at doing Them.

Mom said: "YOU should say NO - they only want To look at your undies.”

Susie said: "I know they do.... that's why I hide Them in my backpack"!!