Sunday, September 21, 2014
The Tiny Pianist
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish. Each person is only allowed one!"
The bartender gets real excited.
Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.
It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says,
"Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
"Tell me about it!" says the man,
"Do you really think I wanted a 12 inch pianist.
Posted on 09/21/14 at 12:47 AM
Joke of the Week
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Blond
A Young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in town. With his dummy on his knee he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
Posted on 09/14/14 at 08:00 AM
Joke of the Week
Sunday, September 07, 2014
Phone Call
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally, George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this, he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country's gone to hell, so it's a local call."
Posted on 09/07/14 at 08:00 AM
Joke of the Week
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Wine before bed
Treat yourself to a healthy imported wine
A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE TURNING IN
A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night's sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors , I kid you not.....
Clare Valley vintners in South Australia,
Which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
Have developed a new hybrid grape
That acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips
Older people have to make to the
Bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be
Marketed as
PINO MORE
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!!
I just could not help it!
Posted on 07/20/14 at 09:28 PM
Joke of the Week
Sunday, July 13, 2014
NORWEGIAN VIRGIN
Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in Northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow... Right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance Lena, is still a virgin - in every vay.”
The doctor told him, “Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.”
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth ....
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said: “Olof.. You're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: “Look at dis Lena .....still in DA CRATE!”
Posted on 07/13/14 at 09:31 PM
Joke of the Week
