Sunday, December 22, 2013

Christmas Divorce

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Cold Winter Coming

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold  or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied.  'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood' !

The lesson:  Don't trust what the government tells you.

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Retirement and Fishing

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For Gosh sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Senior Playboy

Dorothy  and  Edna, two "senior" widows, are   talking.

Dorothy:   "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a  date. I know  you went out with him last week,  and I wanted to talk with  you about him before I  give him my  answer."

Edna:  "Well,  I'll tell you. He shows up at my  apartment punctually  at 7 PM,   dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit,  and he  brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he  takes me  downstairs. And what's there; a  limousine, uniformed  chauffeur and all. Then he  takes me out for dinner; a  marvelous dinner,  lobster, champagne, dessert, and  after-dinner  drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell  you  Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just   died from pleasure! So then we are coming back  to my  apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.  Completely crazy,  he tears off my expensive new  dress and has his way with  me three  times!"
Dorothy:  "Goodness gracious!... so  you are telling me I shouldn't  go?"
Edna:  "No,  no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old   dress."

Duck Tests

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As 
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his 
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. 

After a moment or two, the vet 
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, 
has passed away." 

The distressed woman wailed, 
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied 
the vet.. 

"How can you be so sure?" she 
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or 
something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned 
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later 
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his 
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from 
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and 
shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog on the 
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he 
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also 
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and 
strolled out of the room. 

The vet looked at the 
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most 
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and 
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she 
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, 
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the 
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Source: https://www.facebook.com/DuckGooseHunters