Sunday, June 23, 2013

Irish Viargra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye
and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing one morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a Cottonmouth Snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp.
I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that damn snake with two more frogs.

Sunday, June 09, 2013

Short MED SCHOOL

When I took the entrance exam for medical school,
I was perplexed by this
question:

"Rearrange the letters
       P-N-E-S-I
to spell out the part of the
human body that is most useful
when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors....
 
The rest are in Congress....

Sunday, June 02, 2013

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
One for me...' 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. 

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.... 

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Dr. Phil and fishing

Dear Dr. Phil,

When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime – fishing.

I bought my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.

Finally, one day down at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner, who it turned out, loves fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.

As I said, the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us, but she always complains that I spend too much time out on the lake.

A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful fish you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught its twin brother!

So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice fish that we caught and showed the picture to my wife, hoping that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby, or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks,
Ron
P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two fish we caught.

Dear Ron,
Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.
Those are two nice fish