Sunday, April 14, 2013

Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels.
Seeking Peter -- $50.

Sunday, April 07, 2013

Forgot My Glasses

From a grumpy ole man:
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.  I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.  I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 74 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.  She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Barber Shop

George W. Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the  same barber shop.  As they sat there, each  being worked on by a different barber, not a word  was spoken.  The barbers were even afraid to  start a conversation, for fear it would turn to  politics.  As the barbers finished their  shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached  for the aftershave.

Obama  was quick to stop him saying, “No thanks, my wife  Michelle will smell that and think I’ve been in a  whorehouse.”

The  second barber turned to Bush and said, “How about  you sir?”  Bush replied, “Go ahead; my wife  doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse  smells like.”

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Why I Mow My own Yard - Lee Trevino

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"

Lee responded, Yes Ma'am, I do."

The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

UPS Airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a      200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.