Sunday, May 27, 2012

The Senior’s Yearly Physical

Sunday, May 06, 2012

My Latest Irish Pub story

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few. I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"
One of them chirped, "It's WALES , you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland ?"
That's the last thing I remember...

Sunday, April 22, 2012

My New Boyfriends

MY NEW BOYFRIENDS!!! 

 I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.

Then I go to see John. 

Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he's here,he takes up a lot of my time & attention.

When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.

and I'm thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, Jim Beam, Jose Quervoor JOHNNY WALKER to come over and keep me company.

Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Body Parts

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that
we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and...
in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part
of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head,
and...
in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out
half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's
chest, and...
in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues,
you are way behind us...
in the USA, about 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no
brains, no heart, and no balls...
we made him President of the United States, and now...
the whole country is looking for work.
 

Sunday, April 08, 2012

Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what;

Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants ?

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M&M's chocolates of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!