Sunday, April 01, 2012

NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Cowboy Hat

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret looked him over. “Nope.” 
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. 
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.” 
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope.  Not a clue”, she replied. 

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!” 

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.”

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Scotch with two drops of water.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today….’

The bartender says, ‘Well, since it’s your birthday,  I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you.  Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming up,’ says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, ‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says, ‘Thank you.  Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up,’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, ‘Ma’am,  I’m dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies, ‘Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your sweetie says, ‘Let’s go upstairs
and make love,’ and you answer, 
‘Pick one; I can’t do both!’

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you’re barefoot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don’t have to go along.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting a little action’
means you don’t need to take any fiber today.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car
in the parking lot.

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

‘OLD’ IS WHEN…
You are not sure these are jokes?

Sunday, March 04, 2012

Good Old Dr Smith

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts.

Dr. Smith advised her, ‘Every day after your shower, rub your chest and
say,
“Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!”

She did this faithfully for several months!  And to her utter amazement she
grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little
rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and
said, “Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.”

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, “Oh! Are you
a patient of Dr Smith’s”

“Yes I am… How did you know?”

He winked and replied, ” Hickory dickory dock ...”

Sunday, February 26, 2012

HillBilly College Test

Answer Key