Sunday, December 25, 2011

Blond and 710

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred- ten?’
She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..’

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked ‘is there a 710 on this car?’.

She pointed and said, ‘Of course, its right there.’ the mechanic fainted

If you’re not sure what a 710 is

Sunday, December 18, 2011

They walk Amongst us!

I would pretend not to know these people.

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This one is equally unbelievable

They Walk Among Us!
——————————————

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on
it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
——————————————————-
I stopped at Mc Donald’s and ordered some fries.
The girl behind the counter said “would you like some fries with that?”

—————————————
*One day I was walking down the beach with Some friends when someone
shouted…..
‘Look at that dead bird!’
Someone looked up at the sky and said…‘where?’

They walk among us!

—————————————————————————————

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction
was north because He didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east And has for sometime.
She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff…...’

They Walk Among Us!
——————————————————————

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard
an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the
beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she ‘didn’t think she’d get
sunburned because the car was moving’.

They Walk Among Us!
——————————————————

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
————————————————————————-

I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached
to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, ‘Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her
head!”
I had to explain that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart
no matter which way the head is turned…

They Walk Among Us !
———————————————-
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost
luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and said I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your
plane arrived yet?’...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
————————————————————————
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said ‘Just cut it
into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that
his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that
he was not speeding.. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed
the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now
he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he
passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a
fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now
laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s
pace…. Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving
without a seat belt..

You can’t fix stupid.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Christmas Joke

Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’

The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.

‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.

The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’

Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.

The old Nebraska farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’

The Husker replied, ‘These are Carols.’

And So The Christmas Season
Begins…...

A quickie

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, “What would you like, sir?”

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?”

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

Sunday, December 04, 2011

President Joke

On Air Force One Obama looked at Michelle, chuckled and said, “You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.” Michelle replied, “I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy”. Hearing their exchange, the pilot of the plane said to his co-pilot,” Such big-shots back there. I could throw both of them out of the window and make 256 million people very happy.”!! If you’re one of 256 million, pass this on