Sunday, November 27, 2011

Retirement

Outside England ‘s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 ticket for cars ($1.40), 5 tickets for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo’s own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy… is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day—for 25 years.
 
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ...... and no one even knows his name.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

At the Welfare Office

  At the Welfare Office
 

  A big guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ’ Hi.  You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’
 
  The social worker behind the counter said, ’ Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.  She is 22 years old and just got back from the shooting of the Playboy cover for next month in Mexico .
 
  You’ll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes- Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
 
  This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.
 
  A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV,  stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.’
 
  The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ’ You’re bullshittin’ me!
 

  The social worker said, ’ Yeah, well You started it.’

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Funny Tale

A cowboy from Texas attended a social function where Barack Obama was trying to gather support for his Health Care Plan.

Once Obama discovered the cowboy was from President Bush’s home area, he started to make fun of him by talking in a southern drawl and using single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy asked, “Y’all havin’ some problem with them circle flies?”
 

Obama stopped talking and said,  “Well, yes, if that’s what they’re called, but I’ve never heard of circle flies.”
 

“Well, sir,” the cowboy replied, “Circle flies hang around ranches.

They’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circlin’ around the back end of a horse.”
 

“Oh,” Obama replied, and went back to rambling.
 

A moment later he stopped and bluntly asked, “Are you calling me a horse’s ass?”

“No, sir,” the cowboy replied, “I have too much respect for the citizens of this great country to call their president a horse’s ass.”
 

“That’s a good thing, “Obama responded and began rambling on once more. 

After a short pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl, said, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

Sunday, November 06, 2011

Retirement is Different for Everyone

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Sippy and Rosie.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
‘Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?’

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘They’re retired prostitutes, and they’re having a yard sale.’

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Coffee and Testicles Break

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.  The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am
to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.”