Sunday, August 14, 2011

Willie Nelson at Age 75

“I have outlived my pecker.”

The Penis Poem—by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the f***in’ thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

Sunday, August 07, 2011

A Rate Occurrence

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and
      there was a young bloke standing there who said:

      “I’m a Jehovah’s Witness”.

      I said “Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about”?

      He said, ” F****d if I know. I’ve never got this far before”

Sunday, July 31, 2011

WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 10, 20,  30 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy,  clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly”  policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes,  I know boss, and I am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.  It’s odd though your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the U.S.  Navy.  What did they say if you came in late there?”

“They said,

“Good morning, Admiral, can I get you a cup of coffee,  sir?”

Today Versus Yesterday

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. 
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there?
All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.” 
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Ax and two 38’s!”