Sunday, May 22, 2011
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife - she
ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over…..........women like that are hard to find.”
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Sunday, May 08, 2011
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No”.
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
Sunday, May 01, 2011
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Sunday, April 24, 2011
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous
And does not use a condom all the time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, He wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, He immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, ‘I’ve got bad news for you, You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.’
The man looks a little perplexed and says, ‘Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc..’
The doctor answers, ‘I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate it.’
The man screams in horror, ‘Absolutely not,! I want a second opinion.’
The doctor replies, ‘Well, go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.’
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, ‘Ah, Yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.’
The guy says to the doctor, ‘Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do,?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it,!’
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. ‘Stupid American docttah, always want to Opawate. Make more money dat way.
No need to amputate.!’
Oh, Thank God,!’ the man replies.
‘Yes,’ says the Chinese doctor,
‘Wait two weeks..
Fawl off by self. !’