Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Fanny Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Fanny Green?’

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Best excuse ever

A Kentucky senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying
the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Kentucky State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!”
and pulled over to await the trooper’s arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to
the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30
minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding—a
reason I’ve never before heard—I’ll let you go.”

The old gentleman paused then said: “Three years ago, my wife ran off with
a Kentucky State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the trooper.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

A Christmas Tradition

A Christmas Tradition

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where..

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this…...........

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Trivia Contest

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point.
The last question was: “Where do most women have curly hair?

Apparently the correct answer is: Africa
I’ve been asked to find another place to worship.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Truths For Mature Adults

Truths For Mature Adults  

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay

16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger

18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever

21. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important

Ladies…..Quit Laughing.