Sunday, August 29, 2010

Joke of the week - Aug 29, 2010

Blond Jokes


DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland .  They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.  They started crying and turned around and went home.
 
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away… Florida or the moon?’  The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.  After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, ‘What’s the story?’
He replies, ‘Just crap in the carburetor’
She asks, ‘How often do I have to do that?’

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together.  Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank ‘Yoo-hoo!’ she shouts, ‘How can I get to the other side?’
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, ‘You ARE on the other side.’

AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
‘Impossible!’ says the doctor.. ‘Show me.’
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, ‘You’re not really a redhead, are you?
‘Well, no’ she said, ‘I’m actually a blonde.’
‘I thought so,’ the doctor said, ‘Your finger is broken.’

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, ‘PULL OVER!’
‘NO!’ the blonde yelled back, ‘IT’S A SCARF!’

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’
The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’
The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’  The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!’

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night… It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, ‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’ She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’  ‘HELLLOOOOOOO…...,’ answered the blonde. ‘They’re watch dogs’!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Joke of the Week - Aug 22, 2010

A couple shopping togather and hubby puts a 24pk of Bud in the cart.
‘What do u think ur doing?‘asks the wife.’ It’s on sale,$10 for 24 he said. ‘Put it back, we can’t afford it!
A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream. ‘What do you think ur doing? asks hubby. It’s face cream to make me look beautiful.
The husband re…torts: ‘So does 24 cans of Bud & 1/2 the price.

Cleanup aisle 25,husband down!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Joke of the Week - August 15th, 2010

More reflections about the way things used to be…
Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days.

“When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I’d come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a slab of bacon, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can’t do that now…too many security cameras.”

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Joke of the Week - Sept 26, 2010

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She   writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
Thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t
Honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
And then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of
God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
Stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
When I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
Through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
Before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
Them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Monday, July 26, 2010

Joke of the Week - July 25, 2010

Is sex work?
A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
  While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
  He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
  He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?”
  A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
  A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
  An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
  There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
  Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
  The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
  “Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

The room fell silent.