Sunday, March 26, 2023

Bring What You Can Carry

Once there was an old rich man who was afraid of dying and leaving all his wealth behind on earth. So, he took up the matter with God. He pleaded day and night to be able to take all his earthly possessions with him. Finally, God conceded. He said the man could take as much as he could fit in one suitcase. The old man immediately went out, bought a huge suitcase, sold all he owned and filled the suitcase with gold bars. Shortly after that, the old man died. Awkwardly dragging the big, heavy suitcase, he approached St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter stopped him, asked him to open his luggage, and then told him he couldn't bring his gold bars into Heaven. The man was irate. "You don't understand," he said. "I got permission directly from God himself for this. He told me whatever I could fit into one suitcase, I could bring with me."St. Peter, shrugged his shoulders and simply said, "Fine with me. But we've already got plenty of pavement here."

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Sunday, March 19, 2023

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb is one of those silly but funny top ten lists. We hope you enjoy this and if you love dogs we are sure you will.

Golden Retriever:

The sun is shining and the day is young We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:

Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

Dachshund:

You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:

Make me.

Boxer:

Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Labrador:

Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd:

I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven’t missed any and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier:

I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog:

Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel:

Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua:

Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or “We don’t need no stinking light bulb”.

Greyhound:

It isn’t moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:

First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…

Poodle:

I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Originally published as How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? on The Laughline

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Sunday, March 12, 2023

Fly On The Wall

Sometimes I think it would be fun to be a fly on the wall in a call centre, listening in to some of the bizarre calls the customer service operators receive and watching their reactions.

This is just one of those sorts of calls where it would have been interesting to watch the expression on the face of the customer service operator:

Irate customer: “I’ve been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and I can’t get through to enquiries, can you help?”

Call Centre Operator: “Where did you get that number from, sir?”

Irate Customer: “Well, it was on the door to your offices”.

Call Centre Operator: “I’m sorry, Sir, but that’s not our helpline number, those are our opening hours!”

Originally published as Fly On The Wall on The Laughline

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Sunday, March 05, 2023

Donald Trump’s Lie Detector Test

Donald Trump, ever the victim, said he was sick of people always accusing him of lying.

So today, he met with someone from the CIA to administer a lie detector test to settle the matter once and for all.

The CIA agent explained how the lie detector test worked to Donald Trump.

He told him that he would ask a series of questions. If he told the truth, the light would turn green, and if he told a lie, then the light would turn red.

After explaining how the test worked, the agent asked Trump if he understood.

Trump replied, “Yes.”

The light on the lie detector turned red.

Originally published as Donald Trump’s Lie Detector Test on The Laughline

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Sunday, February 26, 2023

Rosemary And Christina

Rosemary and Christina had been the best of friends since high school and tried to do as much as they could together.

So when Rosemary announced that she was going to go on a diet to lose some of the pounds she had put on over the last few months, her friend Christina said, “Why don’t I join you? I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out”.

Rosemary thought that was a great idea and said, “That’s brilliant, Christina. When I get the urge to go and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first”.

“That’s great,” Christina replied. “I’ll come with you, and we can ride to Mcdonalds together.”

Originally published as Rosemary And Christina on The Laughline

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