Sunday, January 01, 2023

Johnny Passed His Driving Test

Johnny passed his driving test and just got his driver’s license.

The family decided that it would be a great idea if Johnny took them all for a ride in the family car, so they all went out and watched as Johnny climbed into the driver’s seat with a huge grin on his face.

His father, meanwhile, opened a rear door and climbed in to sit behind Johnny, while his Mother climbed in beside him and his younger sister climbed into the back.

Johnny turned around and said to his father, “I guess you are sitting in the back to get a change of scenery after those months of teaching me how to drive?”

“Not exactly,” his father replied. “I’m just going to sit here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me ever since you were a baby”.

Now that’s what I call payback, nice one Dad!

Originally published as Johnny Passed His Driving Test on The Laughline

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Sunday, December 25, 2022

Mrs O’Halloran

Irish Policeman: “Did you get the license number of the motor car that ran you over, Mrs. O’Halloran?”

Mrs. O’Halloran; “No, officer, but I know who it was, it was my son-in-law!”

Irish Policeman: “How can you be so certain Mrs. O’Halloran?”

Mrs. O’Halloran: “Well, officer, put it this way, I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!”

Originally published as Mrs O’Halloran on The Laughline

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Sunday, December 18, 2022

A Man Died And Went To Heaven

A man died and went to Heaven.

Yes I know, it’s another one of those jokes, but such is life. People keep thinking them up, the same way as they keep starting fairy tales with “Once upon a time”. You just have to deal with it I’m afraid.

So where were we? Oh yes… So this man died and went to Heaven, where he met good old St. Peter, who was sitting at a rather elegant antique desk in the middle of a great hall, the size of which resembled something like a cathedral.

The new arrival was impressed with St. Peter’s office, and he noticed that the walls around this great hall were adorned with millions of clocks, all busily ticking away.

“What are those used for?” he asked St. Peter, pointing to the clocks.

St. Peter replied, “There is a clock up there on the wall for every living person on Earth; they are all ticking out the days of their lives.”

The new arrival was astonished to hear this and kept looking at the clocks, which went from one end of each wall to the other and from the floor to the ceiling. It was a most impressive sight.

He also noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others, which stirred his curiosity.

“Why do the clocks move at different speeds,” he asked St. Peter.

St. Peter replied, “Well, every time someone on Earth tells a lie, they lose one hour of their life, and their clock speeds up.”

“I see,” the man said, “Now it makes sense.”

The new arrival looked around some more, still taking in the wondrous sight, and then asked, “Do you have one of these for Donald Trump?”

St. Peter replied, “Of course we do; we have one for every person on Earth. I keep it in the back room and use it for a ceiling fan”.

Originally published as A Man Died And Went To Heaven on The Laughline

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Sunday, December 11, 2022

Horrific Car Accident

An elderly couple who had been married for more than sixty years died from a horrific car crash.

Their passing was really tragic, since despite their advanced years, they were both still on good health, thanks to spending the last ten years eating only healthy food and having plenty of exercise.

But fate being what it is, no matter what your intentions or how well you plan your life, it often intervenes, and as with this elderly couple, their lives were cut short.

Being good people, naturally, they made their way up to Heaven, where they were met by St. Peter, who welcomed them in and personally directed them to the mansion which was to become their home for eternity.

Compared to the meager retirement apartment they had been living in for the last ten years, the mansion was like a palace. It had an amazing kitchen and the most comfortable living room you can imagine, with twin recliners, a well-stocked bar, and more. The bedroom had a full king-sized bed and an en-suite bathroom, and on the deck outside was a wonderful hot tub.

As they gasped with surprise at their good fortune, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost them.

“It’s all free,” St. Peter told them. “You are in Heaven now.”

St. Peter then led them out the back of the mansion to show them the championship golf course that the home backed onto. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the greatest golf courses back on earth.

The old man asked St. Peter, “What are the green fees?”

St. Peter replied, “This is Heaven, you can play golf any time you want for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse, and the old man’s jaw dropped when he saw the lavish buffet lunch, which had all the cuisines of the world laid out ready to eat.

“How much does it cost to eat here?” he asked St. Peter.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven. It’s free! Everything is free!” St. Peter replied, exasperated at having to keep telling them.

“Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter replied with a laugh, “That’s the best part… you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat and you will never get sick. This is Heaven”.

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger. He threw down his hat and began stomping on it and screaming at the top of his voice. He was furious.

St. Peter and his wife tried to calm the old man down, asking him what the problem was.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “Don’t you get it, you stupid old woman? This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damned awful bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Originally published as Horrific Car Accident on The Laughline

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Sunday, December 04, 2022

The Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff of a small country town was walking along Main Street when he saw a sight that caused him to blink twice! They're coming towards home was a man with blonde hair, wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots but nothing else! Aside from his cowboy hat and cowboy boots, he was as naked as the day he was born.

Well, there wasn’t much the Sheriff could do, other than arrest the man for indecent exposure.

So the Sheriff slapped a set of handcuffs on the man and marched him back to the police station, where he placed him in one of the cells and proceeded to remove the handcuffs.

While he was doing this, curiosity got the better of him, and he asked the blonde cowboy why he was walking along Main Street wearing just his cowboy hat and cowboy boots.

The blonde cowboy replied, “Well, Sheriff, it’s like this…” He proceeded to tell the Sheriff his story.

“I was in the bar down the road having a couple of beers when this pretty little redheaded girl asked me to go out to her motor home with her,” the cowboy said.

“And?” the Sheriff asked.

“Well, so I did,” the cowboy replied. “We went inside her motor home, and then she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt”.

“And?” the Sheriff asked again, thinking that now this story was getting interesting.

“So I did”, the cowboy replied. “Then she pulled off her skirt and asked me to pull off my pants, so I did,” the cowboy added.

By now, the Sheriff was listening intently and was about to ask the cowboy to continue when he did without the need for another prompt.

“Then she pulled off her panties and asked me to pull off my shorts, so I did,” the cowboy continued.

The Sheriff was starting to get hot, so he undid another button on his shirt and then beckoned to the cowboy to continue with his story.

“Well, Sheriff,” the cowboy said, “then she got on the bed and looked at me kind of sexy and said, ‘Now go to town cowboy and well, that’s what I was doing when you arrested me.”

Originally published as The Blonde Cowboy on The Laughline

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