LVBRIDGE

Sunday, December 11, 2022

Horrific Car Accident

An elderly couple who had been married for more than sixty years died from a horrific car crash.

Their passing was really tragic, since despite their advanced years, they were both still on good health, thanks to spending the last ten years eating only healthy food and having plenty of exercise.

But fate being what it is, no matter what your intentions or how well you plan your life, it often intervenes, and as with this elderly couple, their lives were cut short.

Being good people, naturally, they made their way up to Heaven, where they were met by St. Peter, who welcomed them in and personally directed them to the mansion which was to become their home for eternity.

Compared to the meager retirement apartment they had been living in for the last ten years, the mansion was like a palace. It had an amazing kitchen and the most comfortable living room you can imagine, with twin recliners, a well-stocked bar, and more. The bedroom had a full king-sized bed and an en-suite bathroom, and on the deck outside was a wonderful hot tub.

As they gasped with surprise at their good fortune, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost them.

“It’s all free,” St. Peter told them. “You are in Heaven now.”

St. Peter then led them out the back of the mansion to show them the championship golf course that the home backed onto. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the greatest golf courses back on earth.

The old man asked St. Peter, “What are the green fees?”

St. Peter replied, “This is Heaven, you can play golf any time you want for free.”

Next, they went to the clubhouse, and the old man’s jaw dropped when he saw the lavish buffet lunch, which had all the cuisines of the world laid out ready to eat.

“How much does it cost to eat here?” he asked St. Peter.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven. It’s free! Everything is free!” St. Peter replied, exasperated at having to keep telling them.

“Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter replied with a laugh, “That’s the best part… you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat and you will never get sick. This is Heaven”.

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger. He threw down his hat and began stomping on it and screaming at the top of his voice. He was furious.

St. Peter and his wife tried to calm the old man down, asking him what the problem was.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “Don’t you get it, you stupid old woman? This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damned awful bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Originally published as Horrific Car Accident on The Laughline

Posted on 12/11/22 at 11:18 AM Joke of the Week (0) Comments ;

Sunday, December 04, 2022

The Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff of a small country town was walking along Main Street when he saw a sight that caused him to blink twice! They're coming towards home was a man with blonde hair, wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots but nothing else! Aside from his cowboy hat and cowboy boots, he was as naked as the day he was born.

Well, there wasn’t much the Sheriff could do, other than arrest the man for indecent exposure.

So the Sheriff slapped a set of handcuffs on the man and marched him back to the police station, where he placed him in one of the cells and proceeded to remove the handcuffs.

While he was doing this, curiosity got the better of him, and he asked the blonde cowboy why he was walking along Main Street wearing just his cowboy hat and cowboy boots.

The blonde cowboy replied, “Well, Sheriff, it’s like this…” He proceeded to tell the Sheriff his story.

“I was in the bar down the road having a couple of beers when this pretty little redheaded girl asked me to go out to her motor home with her,” the cowboy said.

“And?” the Sheriff asked.

“Well, so I did,” the cowboy replied. “We went inside her motor home, and then she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt”.

“And?” the Sheriff asked again, thinking that now this story was getting interesting.

“So I did”, the cowboy replied. “Then she pulled off her skirt and asked me to pull off my pants, so I did,” the cowboy added.

By now, the Sheriff was listening intently and was about to ask the cowboy to continue when he did without the need for another prompt.

“Then she pulled off her panties and asked me to pull off my shorts, so I did,” the cowboy continued.

The Sheriff was starting to get hot, so he undid another button on his shirt and then beckoned to the cowboy to continue with his story.

“Well, Sheriff,” the cowboy said, “then she got on the bed and looked at me kind of sexy and said, ‘Now go to town cowboy and well, that’s what I was doing when you arrested me.”

Originally published as The Blonde Cowboy on The Laughline

Posted on 12/04/22 at 08:00 AM Joke of the Week (0) Comments ;

Sunday, November 27, 2022

As I Lay On My Bed

As I lay on my bed, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I felt this strong urge to grab and squeeze you because I couldn’t forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the hot, humid still of the night and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere, and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body.

You started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me crazy while you sucked me dry.

Finally, I went to sleep, and today when I woke up, you were gone.

I searched for you but, to no avail. Only the sheets bore witness to the events of last night.

My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.

As soon as you appear, I will quickly grab you, and I won’t let you go.

I will hold you with all my strength, so this time you won’t disappear.

I won’t rest until I squeeze your blood out. You damned irritating friggin’ mosquito!

Originally published as As I Lay On My Bed on The Laughline

Posted on 11/27/22 at 08:00 AM Joke of the Week (0) Comments ;

Sunday, November 20, 2022

Little League Baseball

A Little League baseball team was playing on Saturday, and after a while, the coach had enough and called one of his baseball players aside, a young boy aged nine, and asked him, “Do you understand what cooperation is?”

The young boy nodded and said, “Yes, coach.”

The baseball team coach asked him, “Do you understand what a team is?”

The little boy nodded to indicate that he did.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?” the coach asked the young boy.

The little boy nodded and answered, “Yes, coach.”

“So Tommy,” the coach continued, “I am sure that you know very well when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?”

Again the young boy nodded to the coach.

The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your team coach a dumb ass, is it, boy?”

Again the little boy nodded, his head hung down in shame.

“Good,” the coach said, “I’m pleased we understand each other.”

“Now,” the coach added, “Go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!”

Originally published as Little League Baseball on The Laughline

Posted on 11/20/22 at 08:00 AM Joke of the Week (0) Comments ;

Sunday, November 13, 2022

A Man Went To See His Doctor

A man went to see his doctor and told him that he wasn’t able to do all the things that he used to do around the house.

The doctor gave the man a physical examination, and when the examination was over, the man said to the doctor, “I’d like you to tell me what’s wrong with me, but I want it in plain English”.

“Well”, the doctor replied, “in plain English, all that’s wrong with you is that you are nothing other than a lazy old fart!”

“Thank you, doctor,” the man said. “Now, please, can you give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!”

Many of us men think like that when we reach a certain age. Hands up if that includes you.

Originally published as A Man Went To See His Doctor on The Laughline

Posted on 11/13/22 at 08:00 AM Joke of the Week (0) Comments ;

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